Principal cornet: conceited, uses too much vibrato.
Second man down or bumper upper: either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.
Third man down: loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
Fourth man down: like third man down, only louder and thicker!
Repiano cornet: waiting for a chance to play principal.
2nd cornets: hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C.
3rd cornets: loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G.
Flugelhorn: plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn.
Solo horn: usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player.
Tenor horns: can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead.
1st Baritone: useless player, out of tune all the time.
2nd Baritone: even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried.
Euphoniums: show-off and trainee show-off.
1st trombone: steam driven. Rasps most of the time.
2nd trombone: sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo.
Bass trombone: chainsaw with vibrato.
Eb basses: look like two drunken farts.
Bb basses: sound like two drunken farts.
Percussion: Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor: Devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good!.
