Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage......... I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?" His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, "How about a blow job??".....and she's always sound asleep.
A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment. After some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So my darling...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her; and the love making resumed. This time, she thrashes about wildly; and there are screams of passion. The love making ends; and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "Dis time you finish?" Again, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for her. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it; but they climax simultaneously, screaming, clawing and ripping bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "So, you finish?" "No!" she shouts back, "Stop asking, I no Finish, I Sveedish!"
An 80 year old man hobbles into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls. I made love with both of them ....twice." The priest said, "Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "Jewish!? Then, why are you telling me?", asks the priest. "Telling you?....I'm telling everybody", says the man.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f*ck*ng hundreds of them!"
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to sees her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, 'Oh, cr*p, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?' The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.' The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?'
A 92 -year -old man goes to the doctor for a physical, and a few days later the doctor sees the guy walking down the street with a gorgeous girl. The doctor says, 'You're doing great,. aren't you?" The old guy says, "I'm just doing what you said, Doc. You told me , 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'" The doctor says, 'I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur. Be careful."
George W. Bush is spending his first night in the White house. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Bush asks, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." The next night , the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Bush asks, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears, and Bush asks, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says , "Go to the theatre.'
