Windows 95 Source Code

Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project:  Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include  /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include  /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)
{
  make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_blank_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware=TRUE;
      break;
    }
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
  case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
    say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
    break;
  case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
    say("Yes it will work");
    ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
    pretend(there_is_no_problem);
    break;
  case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
    say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
    inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
    inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all those 
			customers will need at least 32 megs");
    inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
    get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
    break;
  case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
    say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
    register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
    when(time_is_ripe)
      {
        arrest(journalist);
        brainwash(journalist);
        when(journalist_says_windows_95_is_bugfree)
         {
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist);
         }
      }
    break;
}
while (vapourware)
  {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
       break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
   bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
   release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
   introduce(more_memory_requirements);
   if (customers_report_installation_problems)
     {
       say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      	if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
      	{
          ignore(customer);
          order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, 
		  			"Keep an eye on this bastard");
        }
     }
  if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
      divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
      marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)
        dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
  if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
 }
 /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
           for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  }
}